D Talk

I used to live in New York.  I had a tenement apartment in Tribeca.  The halls had  grey linoleum floors that curled at the seams and the corners were never free of grey black dirt.  I am not sure  who cleaned the halls or if they ever were tended to.  I sort of imagine a grey string mop on them that left this grey sludge in the corners.   I have never understood those dirty, dark,  grey string mops you see leaning in cheap restaurant back rooms. My apartment was considered a find.  Inexpensive,  4 rooms and a tiny kitchen, not quite sure what room was for what, windows in each room all looking out onto walls.  Yes, different bricks, but all walls, one of them had a fire escape so the wall was further away.  Friends would come visit and say, “Wow , this is big.”  Then they would walk from room to room and look at the bricks and that is all they would say.   My neighbor across the hall’s name was Barbara.  It was warm outside, the first week I moved in and I needed a cup of sugar.  It made me smile that I actually was going to knock on my neighbor’s door and say “Could I borrow a cup of sugar”.   When I knocked on Barbara’s door, I heard opera music playing and after a moment the door swung open so the music slowly got louder. My own private sugar joke was quickly whisked away.   Barbara had no sugar and was naked.   She quickly closed the door but not before I got a full view of her tall, white, creamy figure.   Over the years, that “no” was one of our only exchanges.   The only other one I remember was also during warm weather.  One of the shafts that my windows opened up into was shared by Barbara’s apartment.    I was listening to an interview with Charles Manson by Tom Snyder.  It was on TV and I had it on loud because I was in the kitchen.  As I remember it was really loud.  Suddenly, I heard “Can you turn that down”.   After she said it a few times it came to me that the shaft was talking and I had to address it.  I profusely apologized and shut the loose tenement window.  I quickly turned down the television and was left bewildered and strangely touched with Charles and Tom.   

I am curious

   We went to the Alemany Farmer’s Market this morning.  It feels as if everyone is interested in buying locally grown food.  The bounty that is grown here is amazing.  We are still in the berry season.  Here are some blueberries, all navy  with a white shadow.   They are from a farmer named Bruce.  He is a charming Santa Claus sort with a very positive attitude about just about everything.   His wife bakes pies and he grows fruit.  He is a wealth of practical growing knowledge.   We sell alot of wind up toys in the store.  Some hop, some walk, some roll over, and some swim.  We got some squid in today and also hedge hogs.  Hedge hogs are very popular presently.      

It is Friday and all day I have contemplated what used to be and what is now joy wise.   I remember when I was little if my mom and I needed a little random joy, we would shop.  Yes, I say this now almost shamefully………..both of us enjoyed running errands, buying clothes that I perhaps did not need but wanted.  Outfits or shoes or new underwear, bringing in bags from the car with our booty, it would lift us from any doldrum.  But now I contemplate all this…………..what do I need, what did the rest of the world go through for me to get it, is it plastic?   When did it all get so complicated?    This bounty our country takes for granted is our scarlet letter now.     I keep trying to find phrases to make me stop contemplating this topic all the time.  ”Everything in moderation” comes to mind or I remember my therapist in New York once said “It is all ok as long as you do not hurt a fellow human being”.  I held onto that for years as a mantra or golden rule.   He also used to fall asleep in my sessions. In order for my mood to not  get under this sort of world view constant negative contemplation I decided to weed.  Weeding seems pure and not too complicated.  I also shook some poppy seed pods and wondered at their lovely shape.   A little home for  seeds,  lots of seeds that I shake around the yard.    

We just got back from Camp Mather and a wonderful time was had.  It is a family camp near Yosemite and every year it dazzles me with what it has to offer.   In the day there is this amazing dry heat and at night a mountain coolness that makes one forget how hot they were a few hours before.  Down by the lake I listened to  six lecture cds called Change Your Brain Change Your Life by Daniel Amen.   It was a nice atmosphere to listen and learn.  I found his ideas infectious and he is certainly energetic and enthusiastic.   He covers a wide variety of psychological issues and how they relate to your brain.  He is a proponent of brain scanning which is a relatively new diagnostic technology.   Then upon my arrival home I read an article in Wired Magazine by Daniel Carlat that refuted much of what Mr. Amen had to say.  I found his criticism rather dry and scientific and sort of bitter.  I have no experience with the clinics that Mr. Amen runs but I also feel Dr. Carlat did not give them a chance.  Right before we left M found a caterpillar  in the Heartfelt yard.  Every spring we look for them because if you put them in a jar with fennel leaves, they make a pupa.  After 4 weeks this pupa (you must put a stick in the jar for it to hold onto)  turns into a butterfly.  Yellow swallowtail to be exact. 

Sometimes I just wonder,  no more or less than that.  Not even enough to chat with someone about.  This morning as I remove 10 or so weird spam comments from the blog I rarely visit and have not made a connection to yet……………I ponder what and who does this for what reason.  Why write jibberish with drug references ?  Is this a job?  Do folks spam and get paid by the hour?  Do folks order drugs from people who write these? Do people write these?

Ok I know Valentine’s can get a bad rap- folks that are not mated can get irate at a holiday that celebrates caring for another.  I see it differently - in a world full of crazy problems it is nice to celebrate that human emotion love.  It does not have to be a material expression and it does not have to be to a lover.   Here are some of my favorite things for Valentine’s Day:  floating lilly pad bath flower,  flaming chocolate hearts (three different mmmmmm flavors), hand painted fair trade larege milagro hearts,  chocolate thongs,  inflatable bath pillows,  silver bell heart tinkle thing, wonderful artisan chocolate and of course one of our basics ……… the hella love Oakland shirt.  Come by Heartfelt Bernal or Rockridge and remember  we all struggle to make this a better world that all can enjoy so take a moment to look around you and appreciate.

Life  is a series of ups and downs, sometimes within  a day I can feel so optimistic about the minutiae of information and energy that comes into my life and then suddenly my attitude or feelings can abruptly change.  What I find interesting is that my situation does not change just how I  look at it.   I sometimes sort of play with this and flex the brain muscle that controls my attitude.   My dear friend, Dena and I used to write down our 3 biggest concerns of the week on a piece of paper, fold it up and open it up a week later.    It was amazing  how often the concerns disappeared.  So this year rather than make resolutions (they feel a little too much like rules that I should break )  I am determined to do stuff that in the end or afterwards  makes me feel good.     Now the trick here is not things that make me feel better at that moment, but a little later.    For instance I have been avoiding announcing the next meeting of our Cortland Merchants Association.  In some ways it means starting up with folks that do not want to or do not have the time to participate and it feels a little like pulling a wagon up hill.  However after a meeting I am always left with a good feeling of community and that in a small way we are saying thank you to Bernal Heights. So today I am focussing on how the meetings and community always make me feel good not how many folks will avoid the meeting or me.  Special thanks to all the officers that were voted in this year.  Ken Shelf, vice pres, Lester Zeidman treasurer and Mark Tetrault secretary.   Weather is a huge topic if one works in retail,   Folks talk to me about the weather.  I find In SF that there is constant murmur/complaint about the cold and the fog and lack of summer.   Then when a warm spell hits and we haul the fan down from our attic there are lots of oooooooo and ahhhhhhhhhhs about how the heat does not agree with us and when will the fog roll in.   In days gone by I used to wake up on these incredible sunny days we get in winter and think I am the luckiest person in the world to live in this weather pattern while the rest of the country is plodding through wet and snow.   Of late I have noticed that my thoughts have changed due to how much information we are exposed to, now i think ,wow what an amazing day but is this normal ?  is this melting more of our ice-caps ?  My old comfort of lovely bay area weather has changed -   one of the gifts I am giving myself back this year is that I am going to enjoy those days.  It just does not seem to pay to worry about things I cannot control.  I am going to give to one of the  many organizations that are helping to stop the destruction of our environment instead of worrying.   More weather talk,  the large storm was in some ways exciting,  something so large out of our control.  We were closed and I sat on my couch writing orders to fill up our sort of empty after xmas store.  It felt so much like a snow day from when I was little.  The big guy, Good Life was closed and we followed suit.  Now afterwards it is so sad to see the trees that suffered.  The city has an economical way of topping the trees to trim them and it reeks havoc when they become  heavy with water and the winds hit.  Mike Boss of Rock and Rose Landscaping in Bernal knows a lot about this. What can be done to correct this?  Who is in charge of how the trees are trimmed and when?  If there is a tree by your home and if it survived adopt it and make sure it is maintained properly.  If you lost a tree find out how it can be replaced.  They are such an important part of our daily visual landscape.So I am going to write an email now announcing my next meeting of the CMA because I know in the end something good will come of it and make my bed carefully because it is nice to get into a made bed at night.  Here is a gift to you, a special recognition  to folks I know that we are lucky to have right here in the hood.  Say thanks to these folks when you see them, they inspire me with all the kindness they put out daily: Sister Kate- thanks Sister, you deal with folks all day that have gone astray and try give them the light and love we all deserve.  Thanks for helping the folks no one wants to deal with and thanks for stopping to pick up garbage on the side of the road.  You amaze me.Michael Blecker.  The work you have done with Swords and Plowshares all these years is so admirable to me.  You as well, help folks that have no where to turn and have been used by our system.  Your strength and stamina and resources are inspiring.  John Perry- you just care so much and put your energy behind what you believe for BH and the world.  You never just talk, you do.Beth Roy- a community figure that cares and give and then gets up in the morning to figure out how she can care and give some more.  Check out her books.  Joseph Schmooke- thanks for making Bernal your cause I hope I can help the BHNC more in 2008. You bring together so many of the great parts of this hood and try and make them work.  So appreciate SF………. we are lucky to be in this little zone of sanity in  a  crazy world and thanks Mr. newsom for trying.  Sine curves happen.  

This is the latest posting in my window of the store on Cortland:

Dear Bernal Heights,Happy November. I have over the years done some strange window floor coverings. I remember one Easter I spread dirt all over the floor and planted grass seed. I made the staff spray faithfully throughout the day but we never got a sprout. Sure got a lot of folks who knew why we did not, too The dirt did look really nice.This fall window had Olivia and I stumped with what to put down that spoke, thanks, fall, and calmness be4 a pretty large storm (hopefully). One of the bushes in my yard needed a trim before the winter rains arrive. My garden at this time of year softly moans for attention as my attention to everything gets spread thinner and thinner.Our good friend and BHNC employee Frederique has been shorted by the city for her initial funding for the annual Toy Drive($2100). Each year she runs an amazing program and kids that would perhaps have no wrapped gifts get at least one. I am trying to help her get the drive rolling and raise that $2000 fast. We can do it! There will be Frederique Toy Drive Cans around the hood. Please drop $ in these! $20, $10, $5 any amount. Think of it as a tip cup that will make someone little smile. If you work somewhere bigger perhaps you could ask for $ larger slice. We have to raise this fast!Try and visit or call someone you know who is ill. Health can be fleeting and there is nothing more precious.Community is a term that we throw around. Look away from your crackberry or your Iphone or whatever screen drains you and see you are in the best one ever. Smile at your neighbor. Give a little or a lot and look for those Frederique Toy Drive cans they will be popping up all over.Working in the store this morning with loud music and no one around –doing display tidying for the onslaught makes me find this soft spot. It is that wonderful creative place that makes one forget the bad and remember that as humans our possibilities are endless. Look for my x in the window it should remind you of that free spot within. I always say that Heartfelt is good style for little dollars but when I have mornings like this I realize I am trying to generate that soft spot of giving and creativity within everyone that steps through the door. So the next time you think how or why does she pack all this in and you knock something over or cannot squeeze into the card area smile and realize you are in the zone. With caring, DarcyI will be back tomorrow, Monday, do check out Paul Meyers new book. It is called, “It Ain’t Easy” about Long John Baldry.

Wow. This really works.